This is Radio Tazadistan!

“It is 9:00 AM—Beep – Beep – Beep—now listen to the true and latest news from Offak Darogho [the Horizon of Liars] without commentary—Beep – Beep – Beep. The system has failed, but this government will remain. Even if this system runs for ten years, nothing will change, but this government will complete its five years. Shehbaz Sahib works 18 hours a day, the household affairs are not improving, but Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif’s government will complete its term. Neither the economy is functioning nor politics, but this government will remain. Pakistan has not been able to do anything for 75 years nor is it able to do anything now, but there is no complaint against the government; this government will remain. Shehbaz Sharif was Chief Minister for 13 years and now has been Prime Minister for 4 years; in these 17 years, no major change or revolution came, but the government will remain theirs. 17 budgets have come, no change occurred in the economy, but this very government is the best and it will remain. For the last 17 years, no proper local government law could be made, local institutions could not get powers, but the government will remain. General Musharraf abolished the Deputy Commissioner and gave powers to the district council and mayors; Chief Minister Shehbaz Sharif restored the Deputy Commissioner again, but they have no fault in the flaw of the system; the Prime Minister and his cabinet will complete their 5-year term. The Shehbaz government has presented 5 budgets in the Federation, passed several constitutional amendments, did nothing about local body elections, but he is the best Prime Minister and he will remain Prime Minister for full 5 years. Cabinet is the name of a strong and united team, here ministers fight openly inside the cabinet and give statements against each other, but this cabinet and Prime Minister are the best, they alone will run. Pakistan is an agricultural country, this year there was a bumper crop, but what to do, wheat had to be imported at expensive rates, could not be bought from our own landlords at cheap rates, but the policies of this government are splendid, how can it be charge-sheeted, this same government will keep making such splendid policies for 5 years. Every year it is claimed that sugar is more than national requirement, Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif and his cabinet give permission to export sugar, at the end of the year sugar falls short so it is imported at expensive rates, but this is hardly a scandal; doubting the honesty and wisdom of the government is a sin too, therefore the government will complete five years. News of tension between the Prime Minister Secretariat and 5 ministers are absolutely false, therefore this same government will complete 5 years with full power and speed. The news of a junior technocrat minister having veto power is merely a rumor; this government consists of the best minds, this government will run and complete 5 years.

The government and the establishment created the powerful one-window SIFC to promote foreign investment, but why could it not prove so effective? The bureaucracy is responsible, but the government will remain, it will complete its five years. The Prime Minister holds long, long meetings, works hard for many hours, but does not make a decision—forms a committee; despite not making swift decisions, the government will remain. To date, the Prime Minister has neither addressed any large gathering nor articulated the planning of his economic vision and program, but despite this, the Prime Minister is the best, he will complete five years. People unnecessarily spread rumors that there is one cabinet and another super-cabinet, decisions are made by the super-cabinet; obviously, all this is wrong, that is why the Prime Minister and his cabinet, consulting in this manner, will complete their 5 years for the betterment of the country and the nation. Distances between the federal and Punjab provincial government are false stories, therefore there is no threat to the Prime Minister. The system is flawed, it has been destroyed, but the establishment and the Prime Minister are not only on one page, but now they are part of the curriculum; therefore, the government will keep running like this for full five years. Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif personally is very sociable and best at working together with everyone, therefore his remaining Prime Minister is better; he will remain for 5 years. Generally, elected people are more in the federal cabinet and they are important, a few people are technocrats; in the cabinet formed by the Prime Minister’s own will, the number and voice of technocrats and former personal staff officers outweigh everyone, but the performance of the Prime Minister and the choice of the cabinet is superb, therefore this government will remain. Four relatives and close friends of the same family and two close relatives and several close friends of another family hold decisive positions in the cabinet, but this is the best cabinet and setup, therefore this same setup will continue to work for five years. Chief engineers of various development institutions and departments are appointed by which important people, making all remaining appointments on merit—such questions are extremely inappropriate because this government fully believes in honesty, transparency, and merit; therefore, there is a clear message to all that the Shehbaz government will complete its five-year term. The Prime Minister is so hardworking that he gets up before dawn, before office hours he has already conducted three meetings; such a Prime Minister cannot be found even if searched for, he will complete five years, his government faces no threat. The Prime Minister neither gives a weekly briefing like the Foreign Office to take the public into confidence, nor comments on domestic and international situations like the ISPR, although the Prime Minister is obligated to provide awareness to the public; but despite this lapse, he is the best because others kept making blunders irresponsibly; what are lapses, he is the best and finest Prime Minister, he goes to parliament rarely and very rarely takes anyone into confidence by giving a policy statement before parliament, but doing so is not necessary either; therefore, the Prime Minister will remain the same and his government will complete five years. For the last two weeks, the summary of judges’ approval has been lying pending in the Aiwan-e-Sadr [President House]; the Law Minister, a powerful group of lawyers, and supporters of the establishment seem upset with the President on this, and this is the first time that the Prime Minister will appoint judges under his authority without the President’s signature; if the President’s approval happens, it will be out of compulsion; despite fresh distance between the President’s and Prime Minister’s offices, the Prime Minister will remain the same, though questions may certainly arise about President Zardari’s future; President Zardari was neither informed beforehand nor was it deemed necessary to consult him on the plan to create new provinces, although the most controversial matter is to talk about the division of Sindh; the government in Sindh belongs to President Zardari’s party, but he is unaware; the Prime Minister is on board—in fact, has become on board—while the President of Pakistan has become isolated or alone in this matter. One thing, however, is settled: Shehbaz Sharif alone will remain Prime Minister for five years.”